HIPSTER CUNT

RE

2007-07-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry about that. Meat World got me down for some time. You know that guy Matthew Derby? Wrote a great little cluster of short stories a couple years ago--Super Flat Times. There's a story called "The Meat Tower", available in full here. This is pretty much that.

Anyways, I've been away, but I'm back with a vengeance and a sidekick in tow. Meet Hippa D'Aubigné, our xxxclusive correspondent in the Land of the Free--i.e. France! French cunts pretty much rule all Hipsterdom right now, what with the so-called French Electro hordes sending wave after wave of distorsion-addled tracks our way.

Hippa got in touch after I announced that I'd do an Uffie post in the near future. She kindly offered her services as embedded agent of French Intelligence, and I gladly accepted, her pretty limited command of English notwithstanding. She'll write whatever the hell she wants, in any language she wants--seeing as you came for the pictures and stayed for the pictures. Hippa is also a girl, mind you, so she will bring some much needed harmony to the balance of gender in these parts.

Type rest of the post here

Annika

2007-06-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

More soon.

Hipster Queens Series: Music Edition: M.I.A.

2007-06-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

M.I.A.'s new video is burning through the intarwab like some kind of day-glow bush fire with extra Jamaican zebras running for their lives***, and in the spirit of providing you with some educational content along with the porn, I wanted to tell you a little story.

***Did you see that? Just like a real mp3 blog!

I spotted said video on Antville, downloaded the .mov and as I was watching it, a strange feeling of disappointment crept up. The video was clearly loaded with the requisite disjointed ethnic memes, with quality shanty moves and the like, M.I.A. herself looking well regal as the legitimate queen of the nu-rave, Super Super, Paperrad, Cassetteplaya aesthetics she pioneered a couple years ago. But something was amiss. Where was the thrill? The future shock? And that's when I noticed that my speakers were off. I had been watching the video with the sound off. Don't know if there is some deeper meaning in that right there but, hey.

Did I mention the track is produced by Switch? Never mind.

Anyway, this is a fucking porn blog so here is some "porn":

Video extra, promoting the release of "Boyz" in USB key format, wherein the songstress, doubtless aware of how fucking weird that sounds, actually says: "This is M.I.A. bringing you the Jamaican experience on a USB key":

Coming up next: Uffie, of course.

A Convergence

2007-06-12T01:52:00.000-07:00

Out of admiration for the great Lawrence Weschler, I give you a convergence. Please refer to this McSweeney's page to see what I'm referring to.

These two girls have nothing to do with one another. But they do look like sisters. Sex-addicted show-offy sisters.

Mai II

2007-06-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

Art is a wonderful thing. Viz these pictures, from the Neenporn performance at Galeria Dels Angels in Barcelona (stolen from this guy):

Personal message: OH I HATE YOU SO YOU GRINNING METH-HEAD WITH YOUR WINGS TATTOO, YOUR CREATIVE FACIAL HAIR AND YOUR PIERCED NIPPLES. I HATE YOU SO. /end.

Hipster Queens Series: Mai Ueda

2007-06-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

"Queens" as in "royalty". I won't cover the hipster gay scene. It died in 1996 anyway.

Emmy from Sweden lowered the hipster quotient so much that I wanted to offset her real quick with Mai from Japan.

She is, admittedly, very cute (even more so in person (and even more so when dancing)).

1 am:
4 am:

She designed a bag for French fashion house Celine. See that gold plastic bag? It's not plastic but baby kangaroo skin dipped in gold silicone. Or something. I hope the baby kangaroo was still alive: the more cruel, the more exclusive.

She's also a performance artist "whose work explores sensuality, digital pop culture, internet and traveling", which would seriously detract from her awesomeness, if it didn't produce pictures like these:

But my favorite picture is this one:

In my next post, I'll unleash the power of NEEN. Just you wait.

Emmy Redux

2007-06-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

"tarzan is our pimp"

Not feeling like talking about little red heartbreaker as promised. So let's tie some loose ends (no pun intended: I don't know the lady) and go back to our first post: Emmy.

She's not that hip. She's quite deep into Abercrombie territory, even.

"See, I can be innocent!"

See what I mean? Cheap lingerie, smeared mirror adorned with old stickers, ugly display of bathrobes and vests and shit, featuring the leopard-print dressing gown she seems to heart so much.

She's Swedish but not that Swedish either. She's not hip at all in fact. She's trying quite hard to be a slut, though. Viz her tagline: "sex, drugs, rock n roll. speed, weed, birth control. Lifes a bitch, but so am i, so lets fuck this world and lets get high". Yeah.
She's 17 but throwing "porn parties".

But I'd smash that anyways. If I can get two for the price of one.

A Xmas-themed porn party? Dildos under the tree and the like?

Find her on myspace: myspace.com/beijingrocksmyworld
"I dont get why people are so scared of me ! Damn it, enjoy it!"

Unloading

2007-06-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to debrief the aforementioned and -pictured Lilalalabeth and give you her last known coordinates but I just got dumped in the most smashing way and she was a hipster, of course, and I can't call her a cunt because it was all my fault and I deserved it. Plus, the word "cunt" is a term of endearment in these pages, as can be "love-muffin" , "angel-puss" or "glitter-bug" in other enlightened circles. I don't feel like celebrating.

But hey, I was the one to blame really. I won't bore you with the details, plus I wouldn't want this blog to devolve into vanilla emo fluff so early in its infancy, next thing you know I'm posting modifier-heavy poems, but I have to say that at some point I was practically watching myself act a fool. And even to my fucked up, drugged up eyes, it was TEDIOUS.

Mauled, really. ALL HAIL STEELY CUNTS.

Now for some action:
Tomorrow, against my better fucking judgment, I'll try and bite my teeth into this girl:

Might be cutting a little too close to the bone...

Oh, almost forgot: Lilalalabeth: www.myspace.com/botoxrox
Not much on display. I just liked the name.

Lilalalabeth

2007-06-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

Original tagline: "donwannameetyamomma, justwannamakeyacumma"

Hanna

2007-06-04T18:10:00.000-07:00

Friends, this is how it's gonna work: I'll post a couple of anonymous and tantalizing pictures and will reveal the source in the next post or two. That way, you'll get to spend some alone time with an unidentifiable piece of beauty, with no backstory, no backlinks, before launching into a full-scale pussy-hunt
Meet yesterday's ass, Hanna:

Classic hipster pose: side thigh with hitched up dress and ostentatious hosiery.

She's Swedish and on the right. Note classic red eye display.

A tad too Cabo for my tastes, but hey.

Original caption: "clockwise: emelie me mojgan and mimi on our way to kb"

But she's a hipster, right? So she HAS to be self-deprecating. She has to show off her "amazing sense of humor". Oh well.
http://www.myspace.com/hannautanh

Hipster Cunt Manifesto (Part 1)

2007-06-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

We all know what's up, fellow hip pervs, don't we? The special plight of being a horny hipster. Of being addicted to a particular brand of societally-determined public pornography. Our secret passion: hip girls in confoundingly obscene situations, feigning oblivion. Vice Do's, Cobrasnake hoes, vulnerable, mildly delinquent, semi-drunk, neatly disheveled, long-limbed, sprawled on second-hand ottomans, chronically exhausted, emerging from fits of drug-addled silliness, laughters still cackling away, cock-teasers of the teenage variety, immodestly dressed, a half-thigh gleaming under cheap spotlights, surprisingly full breasts rolling under ironic tee-shirts, etc.

So what is the plight, you might ask? Were we addicted to, say, Bolivian big-titted beekeepers, how harsh would life be, right? There are entire sites dedicated to Them, to hipster cunts. Plus myspace. Plus... The problem is: TOO MUCH NOISE, NOT ENOUGH MUSIC. You don't want to go through hundreds of myspace profiles and filter out tons of pictures of cold pizzas and
colder hobos before finding the ones you want. So, from now on, we'll do it so you don't have to. Welcome to Hipster Cunt.

Emmy & Friend

2007-06-03T16:28:00.001-07:00

Original caption: "we mix love and lust"